Epiphany

This morning I was folding laundry while I was thinking about the idea that in the USA, we have two major political parties. Either/or questions bug me!


One member of an online group I'm in said that a criterion for choosing your membership in one of these is whether your first concern is compassion or responsibility (autonomy/something else?)



I have been muddling over this . . . raised Republican, surrounded by mostly Republicans, sometimes bothered by the way they/we tend to think that our way is the only RIGHT and PRAGMATIC answer . . . then I thought that what really bothers me most is the idea that you're better off dying on your mission than coming home because of unworthiness. That might seem like a jump, but it has to do with compassion vs loyalty to the RULE. Sometimes when I'm doing the Love & Logic thing just right, I start to congratulate myself, and almost instantly, I loathe me.



I keep thinking of all these wonderful people who have lived very messy lives, because they love and are loved, and they're less concerned with the rules than with connecting to others. I realized that some people I know who have expressed that they feel unlovable because they are not perfect seem very brave to me, because I have the same underlying fear: if I break the rules, I'll get thrown away. But I was not always brave enough to stand up and speak my truth.



I lied to avoid disagreeing with my authority figure, and to keep the peace. But I don't like the settling for a lie, just to avoid being cast out.

Sadness, loneliness, despair.

Then I suddenly became aware, that to someone who insists that your honor is worth more than your life, I AM MY HONOR. HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO LIE OR SELL MYSELF. HE WANTS ME TO BE WHOLE. HE KNOWS MY LIFE HERE IS JUST A CHAPTER. SO IF HE SAYS THAT DEATH IS MORE HONORABLE THAN CHEATING, HE IS NOT DE-VALUING ME; HE'S ELEVATING ME OR ACKNOWLEDGING MY DIVINE CHARACTER AND INESTIMABLE VALUE.


Relief.